Week of Ghosts

This week was a tough week filled with ghosts from the past. I don't know why I dwell on things from so long ago, but I do, and I let it affect every part of my life (you should have seen this disaster of a house I had here).  Mostly I thought about the way I've hurt people, how I could try to make amends, and if I can't, I just fester.

It takes time, sometimes days, for me to move past these ghosts.  When I do, I try to think what I have done to hurt, and it's almost always because I have forgotten how important the small, honest gesture is.  So often I focus on the grand event or the big to do, when all I need to do is to take that genuine step toward another person.  An email, a call, a wave, some bread, help someone move, appreciation for something given, an invitation, a thank you, a hug, an attempt to understand where they're coming from, an ear to listen, a ride somewhere, an apology, a look in the eye, an honest explanation. Really, this list could go on forever, but invariably, I have failed, sometimes purposefully, one of these and hurt someone dear, or sometimes not so dear, to me.  And these are the hard ones to repair.  These all are a move away from someone, and that hurts us to the core.  They're so simple, not always easy, but so, so simple to do.

As I fester, I pray, and I try to find ways to apologize and ask for them for forgiveness, but there are some that I will never be able to apologize to.  So, I ask God for forgiveness, try to forgive myself, and pray that I don't do it again. I wish I had learned how simple it all could be earlier in life.  I'm not saying I'm giving up the big to do, there is something to be said for it also, but I will be focusing on these small, genuine gestures from now on.